Gracie
by Adamantwrites
Summary: A childhood friend of Adam's returns to Virginia City and this time their friendship blooms into love.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: All recognizable characters and settings are the property of their respective owners. All original characters and plots are the property of the author and may not be duplicated or published elsewhere without the express permission of the author. No copyright infringement is intended.

Gracie

Part 1

Adam leaned against the buckboard waiting for Hoss. He knew what was taking Hoss so long, it was deciding on which penny candies he wanted. Hoss was also buying some sweetnin' for Joe who, at 14, was still too young to come into Virginia City to pick up supplies. Nevertheless, Adam was impatient.

Lately, Adam had been impatient about everything, impatient and restless. He had been back from college for quite a few years and although he had created the plans and oversaw the renovation of the Ponderosa which was now becoming quite the admired showplace, he always felt as if something was just beyond his reach, just around the next corner but instead of waiting, he wanted to run to whatever it was. He just didn't know what it was.

"Damn that Hoss," Adam swore under his breath and he pulled his hat down further and started to go into the general store. Then he collided with someone-a woman-and Adam quickly pulled off his hat to apologize.

"I'm sorry, ma'am, I wasn't looking…" and then he stopped and stared open-mouthed,. The young woman's green eyes suddenly sparkled in recognition as well.

"Adam? Well, Adam Cartwright." She smiled and Adam responded in kind.

"Gracie. Gracie Briggs. Why I haven't seen you…"

"In ages," Gracie finished for him and they laughed and Adam reached out and held a small, gloved hand in one of his, putting his hat back on. He wanted to kiss her, to hold her as he used to but he didn't dare.

"I swear, Gracie, you're even prettier than you were-if that's possible. You're just beautiful." Adam moved his eyes over her face, admiring the bright green eyes and dark copper hair that glistened in the afternoon sun. She was dressed fashionably in a green day dress with a small straw hat perched on her high-piled hair.

"Why, thank you, Adam. You're looking well. How have you been?"

"Me? I'm fine but where have you been? I've been home from back east now for over four years and this is the first time I've run into you. Literally. I asked my pa and he said you were married and went back east."

Gracie laughed at Adam's pun. "I was in Baltimore. My husband," Gracie looked down at her hands for a moment and then looked back and met Adam's eyes with a small smile. "My husband was a newspaper man there. He worked for the Baltimore Herald before he died."

"I'm sorry, Gracie. I didn't know."

"It was over two years ago but I finally wrapped up everything and then decided to move back to Virginia City while my father is still alive. My husband's passing caused me to realize that people need to be treasured while we still have them, to be kept close. I just arrived a few days ago."

Adam didn't respond at first; lately he had been thinking of leaving Nevada, of taking off and going someplace, anyplace to get away from the tedium of ranching, the repetitious chores and of seeing the same people at the breakfast table every morning. He wanted excitement and had even considered going out to sea.

Hoss came out of the store, two small paper bags in his hand.

"Hello, Hoss," Gracie said.

Hoss, who was taken aback, looked at the woman and suddenly placed her even though the last time he had seen her he was only twelve.

"Hoss, you remember Gracie Briggs. Oh, I'm sorry, what's your name now?"

"Lawson."

"Sure I remember you," Hoss said, tipping his hat. "Nice to see you again, Gracie. You and Adam used to go around together, right?"

"I suppose you could say that." Gracie flushed slightly and Adam cleared his throat. "Well," Gracie continued, "it was very nice to see you both again. Adam, give my regards to your father for me, will you?"

"Yes. And Gracie, maybe we'll see you in church Sunday."

"Yes. Sunday." And Gracie went on her way, Adam watching and admiring the soft swing of her hips below the narrow waist. He felt as if he wouldn't leave Virginia City now no matter what adventure called to him. Gracie called to him.

On the ride home, Between gumdrops and pieces of peppermint, Hoss talked about the newest problem they were having with people panning for gold on Ponderosa property and what their father was going to do about it. The sheriff had been called in but he had told Ben that he had a rough town to take care of and couldn't patrol the Ponderosa to keep off trespassers who were robbing the Cartwrights of their mineral claims. Ben had gone head to head with the new sheriff, Sheriff Coffee, many times before and Ben had said to Adam that Roy Coffee was the most cantankerous, stubborn, curmudgeon he had ever met and if Ben had anything to do with it, he'd see that Coffee wasn't elected as sheriff next go round. He and that man couldn't see eye to eye on anything. And Adam had just listened and smiled; he saw that his father and Sheriff Coffee were both the same and that was why they clashed. Maybe one day, they'd recognize it and become friends.

But Adam couldn't give Hoss his attention; he was thinking about Gracie.

Adam didn't go to the Virginia City school until he was nine, Ben not being able to get him to and from every day and it being too far to walk. Ben knew that he had to buy a pony or small horse for Adam to ride so that he could get himself to town and home but the ride was so long and had so many potential dangers that instead, Ben helped Adam learn math by having Adam do problems that Ben would write out on a sheaf of paper. As far as reading, writing and history, as long as Ben provided the books, Adam would read them and teach himself. So whenever Ben visited one of the ranchers, he would ask if there were any books he could borrow for his son to read. That and reading the Territorial Enterprise, kept Adam more educated than most of the grown men. And finally Ben found a small mare at a nice price and Adam could now ride to and from school by himself. But Ben worried.

Adam's first day at school made his stomach upset and gave him a nervous headache. Once he even had to go to the outhouse and vomit. Adam didn't adjust well to strangers and here he was, in a room full of unknown children and a teacher who made him stand up as she introduced him to the class. And then Adam had to do the math problems she wrote on the board and to read a page out of the reader so that she could judge how much he knew. She was impressed with how well he read and how he knew more math than the rudimentary addition and subtraction at such a young age. What she didn't know was that Adam had read and taught himself because he had been so perpetually lonely and books were a form of friendship, always ready to keep him company. And to Adam, learning eased his ache of loneliness.

So at recess, the other boys taunted him for being new and for being so smart. They called him "Adam Cartwrong," and threw the large rubber kickball at him, driving him off the main field in front of the school. Adam went over to the side of the schoolhouse and sat in the shade of a tree and picked grass and began to weave the stands together.

"What are you doing?"

Adam looked up and a young girl, about a year younger than he, was standing in front of him. Adam just shrugged and went about his twining of the long strands. He wanted nothing to do with these children. He was planning on how he would tell his father that he wasn't going back to school.

"That's how my ma braids my hair. See?" She raised up the thick single braid of copper hair that ran down her back. Adam just nodded. The girl stood for a few more seconds and then she sat down beside him. "My name's Gracie. Yours is Adam, right?" Adam nodded again. "You're really smart. Most of these boys like to be dumb because they think book learning is stupid; don't let them bother you. I'm in the 3-A class and you don't know it but you're in the 4-A class. That's the smartest of the fourth grade. Miss Redmond thinks you're smart too."

Adam stopped braiding the grass strands and looked at the young girl. She had even green eyes and a small sprinkling of freckles across her nose and a smile that was a bit crooked but that seemed to show her gentle heart. Adam thought what a pretty girl she was.

"I can make a necklace out of these," Adam said to her. "Would you like me to make you one?" Gracie nodded, grinning and Adam worked faster as Gracie watched his nimble fingers twining the grass. "This is how Indians make baskets but they use thicker grasses and such " Adam said. Gracie told Adam that the Paiutes, the Indians around Virginia City, were bad Indians according to her father and that Timmy Thompson, one of the older boys, had told her that if she wasn't careful, the Indians would scalp her for her red braid.

Adam finished the long chain of woven grass and placed it over Gracie's neck. "There," he said.

Gracie ran her fingers over the knots where Adam had tied the grasses off. "Oh, Adam, it's beautiful." She looked up at him, her face full of admiration. "Thank you." She leaned over and gave Adam a quick kiss on the cheek.

Adam blushed; no girl had ever kissed him, just Inger and Mrs. Hanson who had taken care of him when he was small and his father had decided to stay in one place for a while before traveling further west.

Gracie leapt up and took off running and Adam didn't realize that it was an invitation for him to take off after her. He just stood awkwardly as she ran off, stopping after a few yards to turn and look at him. "C'mon, Adam," she yelled. And Adam felt a surge of relief that someone wanted him to be with them. And it was pretty Gracie with the copper hair and green eyes and the friendly smile. And Adam loved her with an emotion that came from deep within and warmed his young heart. And he took off after her.

TBC


	2. Part 2

Part 2

"I ran into Gracie Briggs today," Adam said flatly as the family ate dinner.

"Really? Baylor must be happy his daughter's home. He won't be so alone." Ben responded. "You know, her husband died but that was a few years ago."

"Yeah, she told me. It seems that she's here for good." Adam felt his heart pick up now that he was talking about Gracie.

"I remember when her father told me about Gracie's husband. Her child had died just a few months earlier and then her husband…"

"Child?" Adam stopped eating.

"Yes. Her father said that it barely lived a week-a little girl, I think. But I can't really remember. And then her husband died a few months later. It was so sad. Baylor thought she'd come home right then but she stayed on-he thought it was because she didn't want to leave their graves."

"How'd he die?" Hoss asked.

"If I remember correctly, " Ben looked off in the distance as he tried to recall," he was writing an expose for the paper about corruption in Baltimore government and Baylor said that everyone thought that George, that was Gracie's husband's name, had been shot down at his front door for what he wrote." Ben went back to eating.

Adam looked down at his food. He hadn't known all this about Gracie. "Why didn't you tell me about Gracie?"

"I never thought of it," Ben said. "I'm sorry, Adam. I just never remembered to tell you, I guess. There's always so much to think about that it got pushed aside."

"Who's Gracie?" Joe asked. Even at his young age, anything to do with females or violence interested him.

"She's a girl that big brother, Adam, here used to be sweet on a long time ago when they was in school. Pretty too. Adam used to give her rides her home from school and tell me to go on ahead so's that he could be alone with 'er."

"You don't know what you're talking about," Adam said disgustedly.

"I sure do. I might've just been a little kid but I remember good enough."

Ben sighed deeply; he needed to change the subject before the bickering escalated. "By the way, Adam, I told Old Will that you'd help in designing a new brand for the Ponderosa. I thought that we could use a new design." Ben looked at the foot of the table where Adam sat staring at his food. "Adam."

Adam looked up. "Did you call me?"

"Yes. Will and I were talking about a new brand-something simpler than the one we have now-and I told him that you'd help. Will you draw up some new designs?"

Adam pushed his plate away and stood up. "Yeah, I'll work on them later. By the way, I meant to tell you, I asked Carl to help with the spring round-up. I thought I'd do Will a favor and offer Carl a job."

"Adam you know how I feel about Carl. I know he's been a friend of yours but lately all he wants to do is drink and wh…" Ben looked at Joe who was hanging on his every word. "Hang around with girls. If he wants to work, fine, but the first day he shows up late or shows up drunk or not at all, he's fired. Understand?"

"Yeah, Pa, I understand." Adam threw his napkin on his plate, and picking up his guitar, went out to the front porch and sat to play a bit to calm his mind. For some reason, strumming on the guitar always soothed him. There was a certain satisfaction to running his fingers over the strings, plucking them and hearing the notes that resonated and then putting all the singular notes together to create a piece of music that was fulfilling.

So as Adam strummed his guitar, he thought of Gracie and how he had treated her so badly. In the beginning, Gracie had been his only friend and they sat at recess and talked or climbed the tree under which they usually sat and rested in the crotch of two strong limbs. Then, when Miss Redmond rang the bell for them to return, they would jump down laughing and race to the schoolhouse door. And every afternoon, Adam would give Gracie a ride home on Betty, his little dappled mare. The distance from the school to her house could be walked comfortably in twenty minutes but Adam enjoyed having Gracie sitting in front of him in the saddle and smelling her hair. Besides, she laughed when he would have Betty trot a bit and then slow down; he liked showing off how he could easily handle his horse. And the other boys began to look askance at Adam and a few called him "sissy" for having a girl as a friend. And the nastiest boy of all, a dark-haired boy Adam's age named Carl Reagan, suggested that maybe Adam took Gracie out to one of the fields and, as Carl put it, "Poked her." All the boys laughed and Gracie cried and Adam punched Carl Reagan in the nose which resulted in blood pouring from Carl's nose and down the front of his shirt, Gracie running home and Adam ending up being taken to the woodshed by his father, not so much for fighting but because Adam wouldn't tell Ben why he hit Carl Reagan. All Adam would say is that he had to.

But after that, none of the boys called Adam names or teased him. Soon, the other boys gave Adam respect, but it wasn't just due to his fists. They respected his sharp mind and his quick humor as well as his athletic prowess. Once the kickball had rolled over to where Adam and Gracie sat and Adam had stood and kicked the ball back and it landed just at the pitcher's feet. The boys looked at one another and knew they wanted him to play. Not only did they want Adam to play, but they argued over whose team he would join. And so Gracie fell away and Adam began to spend the whole recess playing with the other boys. Yet Adam would glance her way every so often and Gracie would either be swinging and watching him or playing jump rope with the other girls. But Gracie always took the end of the rope where she could watch the boys playing, especially Adam.

So Adam's school years went on and whenever Adam had a problem, he went to Gracie. She would listen and that was what Adam wanted. Gracie didn't offer advice unless he asked for it and despite his doubts about himself in many ways, Gracie always encouraged him. But Adam wasn't clear on how he felt about Gracie. It was obvious, even to Adam, that Gracie adored him. The boys would often taunt Gracie when Adam wasn't around, singing, "Gracie loves Adam-she wants to be his madam." And they would make smacking sounds with their lips. And Gracie never told Adam about any of the cruelties she faced on his behalf.

The years passed and the eighth grade graduation was coming up. Adam was going to study for two more years before he left for college at seventeen along with the banker's son, Asa, and Cleve, the son of the second largest ranch owner in Nevada. Nevertheless, the other children in grade 8 would gladly be leaving school and Gracie, even though Adam was staying on for two more years, knew that he wouldn't have much time for her; he had his goal of going to Harvard and had to study for the exams they required for entrance.

And it was the last week of Adam's eighth grade when Carl Reagan raised his hand in class.

"Yes, Carl," Miss Redmond, said.

"I just was given this note to pass along and I don't think I should." Carl sat with a straight face while the other boys giggled and hid their mouths with their hands. Adam was suspicious. He and Carl were friends now but he knew how mean and spiteful Carl could be. And just yesterday afternoon, Carl had wanted to walk Gracie home but she had refused him and instead, climbed up on Adam's saddle and waited for him. Gracie was becoming more beautiful every day, it seemed to Adam, and he could well understand why another boy might want some of her attentions. Her neck had become elegant and her breasts were budding, her waist narrowing and Adam could feel the warmth of her thighs against his as she rode sideways in front of him on the saddle; no longer did she throw her legs across the horse's back and let her skirts fly as she did when they were younger. And as they would ride along, Adam would sometimes press his lips against Gracie's hair.

And so when Adam came out to where the horses were tied, Adam saw Gracie sitting on his horse, trying to hold the horse back while Carl swung his arms and hooted for the horse to go. Hoss, who was in grade 2, stood watching the trouble with big, fearful eyes. The horse basically was going in a tight circle, snorting and stomping and trying to take its head. The Anderson boys who rode four across one large plow horse, laughed and hooted and the Bonner boys, each on their own pony, laughed as well at Gracie's distress. Adam could see the tears on Gracie's face and he dropped his books and ran and grabbed his horse's reins and calmed it down.

"Don't cry, Gracie," Adam said. "He's just a little high-spirited. You did a good job holding him back." Adam wasn't talking about Carl who had a mean streak but about Beauty, the new sorrel he had been given by his father when Hoss started school; Hoss then rode the little mare, Betty. Unlike Betty though, Beauty didn't like having to stand on a long lead and just crop grass all day and was always eager and anxious to leave when school was out.

Once the horse had calmed down, Adam turned on Carl. "Why'd you do that?"

"Oh, nothing happened, Adam. Just calm down. I was only having a little fun with Miss Stuck-up there."

Adam grabbed Carl by his shirt front and pulled him up. "You leave Gracie alone. She never did anything to you." Then he released Carl with a slight push.

"No, but I know what she did to you." Carl grinned knowingly and nodded to Adam. "She's gonna pay for turnin' me down." And Carl walked away laughing.

"What does he mean?" Gracie asked Adam after he had mounted the horse and sat behind her.

"Nothing, Gracie. He doesn't mean anything."

"But he said that he knew what I did to you. Does he know I kissed you? Does he, Adam? Did you tell him?"

Adam didn't want to answer Gracie; he had told Carl, had found himself bragging when Carl had mentioned his kissing Annie Lynn the day before. But as soon as he had said it, Adam regretted it.

"I told him, Gracie. I'm sorry." Adam kicked Beauty harder; he didn't want Gracie to jump down in anger. Adam waited all day for this time when he could wrap an arm around Gracie's waist and hold her and just the other day, he had stopped Beauty beside the road telling Hoss to go on a way, that he'd catch up, and he had kissed Gracie on the mouth. It was a small kiss but it was the first time Adam had ever kissed Gracie on the mouth. And the softness of her lips and the sweetness of her taste made him almost cry with joy and desire of a type he had never felt. He wanted something from Gracie but he didn't know what it was.

And then the next day, Carl said he found a note. He was getting his revenge.

"Well, give the note to me, Carl. I'll throw it away," Miss Redfern said.

"But it's nasty and it's from Gracie," Carl said. The whole class, from the first year to the oldest year sat silently and looked at Gracie who blushed deeply even though she hadn't written any note. Before Miss Redmond could make it to where Carl, Adam and the older children sat in the back, Carl read aloud to the others, "Adam, I love you, my darling. I hope, after what we did that I'll…" That was as far as Carl read before Miss Redmond snatched the note out of his hand. The room was totally silent as the teacher finished reading the note to herself.

Miss Redmond tucked the note up her sleeve. "Children, you can leave early today except for you, Adam and Gracie. Please stay behind." Carl was the only one who chuckled as the other children filed quietly out of the classroom. Adam and Gracie looked at one another and Adam knew that he had brought this about; he was responsible for Gracie's embarrassment and shame.

TBC


	3. Part 3

Part 3

Despite Gracie's protestations that she didn't write the note, Miss Redmond told them both that she wanted to speak to their parents and that they should be ashamed if their behavior had given rise to such speculation. As she wagged her finger at the two of them, she told them that there was always truth to any rumor and this wasn't the first time that youthful friendship had developed into something more.

"But Carl…" Gracie started.

"I will speak to Carl's father as well," Miss Redmond said, "but at the moment, we're talking about you two."

After speaking to Miss Redmond, Gracie's parents forbade her from having anything to do with Adam Cartwright and then her father chastised her for worrying her mother who wasn't well. And then she had to listen to a lecture about reputation and how important it was for a girl to have a good one if she hoped to make a good marriage and that his daughter wasn't going to be known as loose. Gracie's face had burned with embarrassment and anger and she managed to get through the last week of school despite having to put up with Carl Reagan's smirk and the taunts at recess; he had convinced all the other older boys that Gracie gave Adam Cartwright whatever he wanted. So Gracie sat alone under the tree because Adam wasn't there to keep her company.

Ben had been furious after he had talked to Miss Redmond; he lectured Adam all the way back to the Ponderosa and told Adam that he was not to have anything to do with Gracie Briggs for her sake; he had asked Hoss about Gracie and it was only then that he found out about Adam giving Gracie rides home and telling Hoss to ride ahead. Had he forgotten that he carried the Cartwright name and had a reputation to uphold? Had he forgotten that Hoss was his responsibility?

Adam said nothing, just set his jaw, didn't talk at dinner and before he went to bed, Adam stated to his father that he wasn't going back to school. And he had decided that he wasn't going to college. Ben stood open-mouthed. Even though Adam was only thirteen, there was something about the way he stated his decision and something about the steely look in his eyes that prevented Ben from confronting Adam about it at that time. So later that evening Ben talked to Hop Sing who told him that, "Mistah Adam, he good boy. He have good heart." And basically told Ben that he could force Adam to go to school but that he couldn't force him to learn anything. Adam would eventually come around, Hop Sing said. And Ben decided that Hop Sing was right so he let Adam alone.

And that began Adam's rebellious stage. He and Carl Reagan and the Bonner brothers began to roam the countryside looking for trouble when their parents weren't having them work, Will securing a job on the Ponderosa for his son, Carl, since he was the trusted foreman, and the Bonner brothers on their father's small ranch.

On Friday and Saturday nights, they would ride across the countryside and tear down fences just to cause trouble, stampede small herds of cattle and then smirk among themselves when they heard the ranchers talking of it. They stole eggs from hen houses and would toss them at the buildings in town knowing that by the time the homeowner or merchant woke up, the eggs would have dried and left a hard-to-remove mess. They constantly tried to get into one of the lesser whore houses but were thrown out and they always tried to find someone to sell them a bottle of whiskey.

And one Saturday night at dinner when Adam was almost sixteen, he screwed up his courage and said, more to his dinner plate than his father, "I'm not going to church tomorrow. Or probably ever again. I don't believe in God anymore and the whole thing is a waste of time." Adam's stomach was in knots as he prepared for the roar of his father's voice and the argument that would ensue. Lately, Adam argued with his father constantly it seemed.

But Ben didn't raise his voice, he just calmly said, "Fine. We'll go without you."

Hoss and Joe looked at one another; they had expected their father to blow up at Adam, to rant and rave and maybe even grab Adam up and shake him although Adam was now as tall as his father if not a bit taller, and muscular with all the hard, physical work he did every day. That was one complaint that Ben could never make; Adam usually did the work of two men.

"Can I stay home tomorrow too?" Joe asked.

"No," Ben said as he continued to eat.

"But Adam doesn't have to go. Why do I have to go if Adam doesn't? That's not fair," Joe said sharply.

Ben stopped eating and looked at his youngest son. Then he pointed his fork at Joe and in a low voice that brooked no argument said, "You are going to church, young man, and I don't want to hear another word about what's fair and what isn't. And change your tone of voice. Now eat your dinner."

Hoss was going to protest as well but shut his mouth quickly and went back to eating. And the rest of dinner was eaten in silence.

The worst came when Adam was arrested in Carson City. He and Carl had managed to wrangle a bottle of whiskey from a bar keep and gone off to sit behind the livery stable and drink it. The hot, bitter liquid burned Adam's throat and made him cough and his eyes water.

"You'll get used to it, Adam," Carl said. Carl took the bottle and Adam watched as he took a big slug from the bottle. "I steal from my father's bottles all the time-he doesn't even notice. One time he clucked and said that he was drinking more than he thought and it was all I could do to keep from laughing." And then Carl and Adam had laughed together but inside Adam felt ugly. He knew that he couldn't steal whiskey or brandy from his father. Will Reagan was old for a father, his wife not bearing Carl until she was in her late forties and then she promptly died. Adam wondered how Carl could keep his father so much in the dark as far as to what Carl did but Will was proud of his handsome son. Will always said and thought that Carl was a good boy.

The whiskey hit Adam like a hammer to the forehead; his head spun slightly and his thinking was muddled, so muddled that when Carl suggested that they try to sneak into the cat house, Adam agreed. But when the man at the door tried to throw them out, Adam fought back. He was angry and wanted to strike out at someone and this large man who had him by his shirt was a big target. He swung his fists wildly and made contact once and then he felt a shooting pain go up his jaw and even into his eye socket and the room spun and then all went black and he woke up in a jail cell, no sign of Carl.

Ben stayed up all night waiting for Adam and in the morning, panicking, he rode in to see Roy Coffee, the sheriff of Virginia City, but he hadn't seen Adam. Coffee helped search all the places in Virginia City that Adam might be but told Ben that unless he had more to go on, that he'd just have to wait until Adam came home. Coffee even suggested that perhaps Adam had left home, run away.

Ben, his hands in fists at his side, asked, "You mean to tell me that you aren't even going to help me look for my boy?"

"Look, Ben, Adam's a big boy and so far, he hasn't done anything illegal. Now I suggest that you go home and wait and if I see Adam in town, why I'll send him along to home."

"But that's not enough," Ben said. "Adam could be lying somewhere, bleeding to death."

"Look, I understand that you're worried but this is a family issue. But I tell you what, I'll pass the word that Adam is missing and if anyone sees him, to let me know. How's that?" Roy Coffee waited. Ben Cartwright loved his sons, that Coffee knew, but Coffee had had trouble in the past with Adam and that friend of his, Carl Reagan, when they came to town and tried to drink in the saloons. He had also suspected the two boys, along with the two Bonner brothers of doing the egg-tossing and a few other pieces of mischief but never mentioned his suspicions to Ben.

"As far as I'm concerned," Ben said, "that's nothing. I don't know why I even bothered to come to you." Ben stalked out of Coffee's office. The sheriff shook his head; Adam seemed to be a nice young man on his own but he was going down the wrong path.

Ben slowly rode home, looking and scanning for Adam's horse or even for a body lying by the side of the road. He didn't want to find Adam like that but not knowing was worse. Then he thought of Carl Reagan and Ben hurried to the Ponderosa and found where Carl was working.

"Carl," Ben said as he rode up on his horse.

"Yes, sir," Carl said as he put down the shovel he was holding. The three other hands who were also digging post holes glanced up but went back to work. They hoped that Carl was in trouble and that he would be fired. They didn't care for the dark-haired kid who found the practical jokes he played on the other men funny.

"Have you seen Adam?"

"No, sir, can't say as how I have but he did say something about going over to Carson City. Maybe that's where he's at."

Ben stared at Carl; he had a bad feeling that Carl knew far more than he was saying and his revulsion for the boy came back tenfold. If it weren't for Old Will, Ben would never have allowed Carl to work for him and resented that his money was going into Carl's pocket.

"Okay." Ben started to leave. "Thanks."

"You're welcome," Carl said. "I hope he's all right, Mr. Cartwright."

"Yes, I'm sure you do," and Ben spurred his horse so that he could get to Carson City quickly.

TBC


	4. Part 4

Part 4

Ben felt a wave of relief wash over him when he saw Adam sitting in the Carson City jail cell, the left side of his face swollen and red, the skin surrounding his eye a deep purple. Ben wanted to grab his son and hold him next to him, kiss his cheek and stroke his dark hair and tell him how much he loved him and how afraid he had been but at the same time, he wanted to shake the boy and ask him if he'd lost his mind, coming to Carson City, drinking and getting into a brawl at a whore house and only sixteen. But instead of either option, Ben declined to say a word to him.

"Yes, that's my son," Adam quietly told the sheriff who proceeded to unlock the cell. Adam stood and picked up his hat, unsure of what to say.

"You're free to go, boy." The sheriff turned back to Ben. "That'll be two dollars fine. I should charge more for havin' to clean up where he heaved on the cell floor last night. Stank up the whole jail." Ben pulled the money out of his pocket and handed the two one-dollar pieces to the sheriff who pocketed them. "You want a receipt?"

"No. Just my son." Ben turned and Adam followed him out. "Where's his horse?" Ben called back to the sheriff.

"That'll cost you a dollar fifty more," the sheriff said. "It's at the livery and it'll be that much to pay for his overnight keep." Ben shook his head. "And boy," the sheriff said, coming to the door, "stay out of my town, hear? Do your trouble makin' in Virginia City or next time, I'll keep your sorry ass sittin' right there for a whole week. Maybe even put you to work. You understand me, boy?"

"Yes, sir," Adam said, his head ducked. He followed his father to the livery and Ben paid the livery owner the dollar fifty for the keep of Adam's horse and then walked out; he still hadn't said a word to Adam. Adam saddled his horse quickly and then walked Beauty out and his father sat stiffly on his buckskin horse, waiting for Adam. Then Ben rode out of town at a slow canter, Adam following, staying far enough behind his father so that he wouldn't have to meet his eye.

Once back at the Ponderosa, Adam went straight to work around the house, his head pounding from the whiskey. He chopped wood and mucked out the horses' stalls and in order to show true contrition, he cleaned out the pig pen for Hop Sing. When he was young and had misbehaved, Adam's punishment was often to help Hop Sing wash down the pig pen and muck out the enclosure. Seeing and smelling the foul odors served to reinforce his own personal fastidiousness.

Adam first cleaned out the straw and swine feces and urine, loading the muck into the wheelbarrow and carrying it far away before dumping it, the noxious odor making his already unsteady stomach turn. Then he poured bucket after bucket of water inside the shed, scrubbing the walls and then put down fresh straw and let the pigs back in.

He sat on a nearby stump and recovered from his exertions. "Well," he said to the snuffling pigs who were pushing the straw aside to eat the earthworms that had risen to the surface from all the water, "keep it nice and clean in case my pa throws me out and I have to sleep with you tonight." Then Adam rose and trudged to the trough where he was going to sit and soak his sore muscles and hopefully, quiet the throbbing in his head.

At dinner that night, the family sat in silence, Hoss and Joe looking at one another and then to Adam and their father, but neither one daring to say anything about the odd situation. Adam never raised his eyes from his plate; his father had yet to say anything to him and the longer the silence continued, the more crushed Adam felt. The food choked him as he tried to eat. He wanted to cry, to weep his apology to his father; this was the worst punishment he had ever received and he didn't know what to do. Despite anything he might say to his father, Adam knew that his relationship with his father had changed profoundly. And he had no one to blame but himself. He had disappointed his father.

Adam went upstairs to his room after dinner and sat at his desk trying to compose a letter of apology to his father but he kept tearing up the futile attempts to put what he felt into words. What he wanted to say was that he was sorry and to beg his father to still love him, to speak to him and tell him that he was forgiven but Adam couldn't say that; he was sixteen now, a man, and beyond that type of groveling. So he went down the stairs and saw his father smoking his pipe and reading the newspaper. Hoss and Joe had already gone to bed.

"Pa?" Adam said at the foot of the stairs. Ben looked up from the paper. Adam swallowed deeply; what if his father refused his apology, said nothing to him? What would he do living as a stranger in the house, being a pariah to his family? "I'm sorry about the trouble I caused you. I don't know why I let…why I did what I did. I guess I just…I really don't know why. Anyway, I just wanted you to know that I am sorry. You can dock my pay until I pay back what you spent on getting me out of jail and paid to the livery stable. You can even stop paying me altogether if you want. I'll work for free." Adam waited, unsure if he should leave or not.

"Thank you, Adam, for the apology. You're a man now and you need to make your own decisions and I'm glad you decided to come down and face me. Son," Ben said, standing up and walking over to where Adam stood. "I'll always be your father and you'll always be my child no matter how old you are and no matter how long I live. And, Adam, you're my first born and no matter how disappointed I may be in some of your decisions, I'll always love you." Ben reached out and held the side of Adam's neck and gave him a little shake. "Now go get a good night's sleep. We have a busy day ahead of us." And Ben watched Adam go up the stairs, his heart filled with pride; Adam had come to him on his own and sincerely apologized and Ben had noticed how Adam had filled not only the wood box in the main room but also Hop Sing's in the kitchen and had placed a high stack of stove wood outside the kitchen door. And there was the cleaning of the sty, something he knew that Adam detested; Adam had punished himself. And although Ben was certain that Carl Reagan had something to do with Adam's foray to Carson City, Adam hadn't brought up Carl or tried to blame him for his own transgressions, both legal and moral. Adam was a responsible young man.

And once Adam was safe inside his room, he broke down into sobs as he had when he was a child. His father still loved him, had touched him and Adam realized that was what he had craved, some physical acknowledgement that he was loved-it was greater than words.

The next day as Adam was working clearing a patch of land with Carl and some other hands, Carl came over to him when they were out of earshot of the others.

"Did you tell on me?"

"No." Adam stood up and stretched his back; being bent over and using the scythe was taking its toll on him.

"That's quite a shiner you got there," Carl said. "Good thing you didn't have to sit in jail longer than one night."

"Yeah, no thanks to you."

"Hey, I told your pa where you were. I didn't have to do even that. You owe me thanks."

Adam looked at Carl. "Thank you." Then he went back to swinging the scythe.

"That didn't sound any too sincere," Carl said, with a small laugh. "If we weren't such good friends, why I'd think you were being snide." And Carl laughed again and went back to doing as little work for his pay as he could.

That Friday night, Adam asked his father if he could go into town; Ben hadn't restricted Adam to home but Adam had expected it the first time he asked to go anywhere.

"Don't be late," Ben said.

"I won't be, Pa."

Adam went to Gracie's house. He hadn't seen her in so long. He didn't know if he should knock on the door. Would Mr. Briggs send him away? He had heard that Mrs. Briggs was dying and the house did have a funereal air but he needed to see Gracie. So he walked up to the front door and knocked and the door was opened by Gracie herself. Adam felt a sense of joy at seeing her lovely face and also a sense of peace. But she had changed somewhat; her face was now set in sadness.

"Adam," she said, "your face…"

"It's nothing, Gracie. Can I talk to you?"

Gracie paused and looked back into the house. "Yes, but let's go out to the barn. I don't want my father to know you're here. He's just been so upset lately." Gracie stepped out of the house and closed the door quietly behind her. She took Adam's arm and led him over to the barn. She picked up the lantern that her father kept on a shelf and struck a match. The circle of warm light showed a small barn with only two horses and a cow. Gracie sat on the straw, her legs tucked sideways under her.

"How's your mother?" Adam asked, sitting down in the straw beside Gracie.

"She's dying. My father's sitting with her upstairs. The doctor says that she might not live through the night.

"I'm sorry to hear that."

"Yes, well, let's not talk about it. How have you been, Adam? I haven't seen you for so long."

"I don't really know," Adam said quietly. "I just had to see you though. I miss you so much. I miss talking to you and I need to talk to someone tonight and so I came to you. Is that all right?"

"Of course it's all right. How did that happen-your face?"

"Oh, I went to Carson City, got drunk and tried to get in a…well, tried to get into a place I shouldn't and I got punched and ended up spending the night in the Carson City jail until my Pa paid my fine."

"Did you go with Carl?"

"Yes." Adam looked down. "I've turned into a pretty bad person, Gracie. I don't even know who I am anymore."

"No, Adam, you're not a bad person. You're the most wonderful person I know."

Adam looked into Gracie's green eyes and she seemed so much older than her fifteen years. "Gracie, I've done some pretty bad things lately."

"Adam, you're good-in your heart, you're good, and we all have done bad things-we learn from them. I'm the one who's bad. Oh, Adam, I'm a terrible person." Gracie covered her face.

"You, Gracie? I don't believe that and I never could believe it. You're beautiful and good and…"

"No, I'm not. Oh, Adam, I'm such a terrible person, so awful that I even wish that my mother would die quickly, just die and have it all be over. I just want to leave everything behind-to go away where I can be happy. That's how awful I am."

"No, Gracie, that's not awful. Wanting to be free of suffering-that's just natural." Adam gently pulled her hands away from her face and touched her cheek. She brought out a tenderness in him that he tried to hide from others; they would construe it as weakness-Gracie knew it was love. "And wanting to leave, why I want to leave everything too, be someone else besides Ben Cartwright's son. I want to run away from it all. Things are just too much sometimes and I can't…I always wanted to be older, to grow up and do whatever I wanted to do but there are so many things that I have to do-not that I want to do them but I have to. Oh, Gracie, help me. Help me know what to do!" And Adam dropped his head into Gracie's lap and he felt her cool fingers run through his hair and she spoke soothing words to him and Adam felt the balm of complete, accepting love soothe his troubled heart. He never had to try with Gracie; she just loved him.

TBC


	5. Part 5

Part 5

Adam opened his heart to Gracie as he used to when they were young and not having to look her in the face made things easier; he didn't think he could bear it if she looked disappointed in him or appalled. But as he talked, her hand continued to gently stroke his hair.

"What should I do, Gracie?"

"Have you thought again about going to college? You would be in a brand new place and making your own decisions but they would be decisions about your future." Gracie's voice took on the tone of persuasion. "Think of all the interesting things you'd do at college, the brilliant people you'd meet-people who want to discuss philosophy and government and all those things that always interested you. Have you changed your mind about wanting to be an architect in such a short time? I remember how you used to talk about how much you wanted to see the buildings that you would design as something that would live after you, that would let the world know that you lived and created. You even compared them one time to the pyramids of Egypt."

Adam chuckled. "A little bit of overweening pride, there, don't you think?"

"Oh, I don't know. You're so talented, Adam. It's a shame to let it waste away. You would make sketches of what the building would look like and show them to me. Remember? You even drew what our house would look like. I still have the picture."

Adam raised his head slightly and looked up over his shoulder at her. "You still have it after all this time? That must have been at least five years ago."

"Of course I do," Gracie said. "And I have the daisies you picked for me. I pressed them in my Bible. The arrowheads you found on the Ponderosa are in my desk drawer and I still have that rock you gave me in the shape of a skull. You called it Yorick and held it out and said, "Alas, poor Yorick-I knew him, Gracie'. And then you explained to me who Yorick was and then I laughed at how silly you were. And you loaned me your book so that I could read _Hamlet. _Why, Adam, I still have the ribbon you gave me for my twelfth birthday."

Adam lay his head back down and gave a small laugh, wrapping his arms around Gracie's knees. "I remember how embarrassed I was to buy it at the mercantile. But it was worth it to see it tied in your hair." Adam remembered how happy the ribbon had made Gracie and how she had wrapped it around her braid and tied it in a bow. It had been worth the teasing Mrs. Bronson had given him when he asked her for a yard of green ribbon; she had asked him if had a girl. They sat in silence for a few moments. "Gracie, I think I will go to Harvard." he sat up. "Will you help me study-get ready for the exams?"

"I'll ask my father. I'll ask him if you can come over and we can study in the kitchen." Gracie smiled at the thought of spending time again with Adam. She hadn't spent any time with him for so long and now he was going to come back to her.

"Okay. I'll come by later and see what he says." Adam sighed deeply. He suddenly knew what he was going to do. No more would he wander around in the dark, having no direction. "I'll have to ask my father for some afternoons off so that I can study with you."

Adam stood up and Gracie did as well and Adam and she brushed the straw off each other.

"I have to get back before my father misses me." Gracie looked up at Adam, admiring how tall he was and how handsome. "You'll come by and ask, won't you?"

"Yes. I'll come by…" he was going to say "tomorrow" but then he remembered about Gracie's mother. "I'll start studying tonight but I'll wait until…I see you in church and you tell me if it's okay. I don't want to…I mean if your mother."

"I'm glad that you're going to come to church again, Adam. But I'm ashamed to say that it's mainly so that I can see you." Gracie tip-toed and Adam, knowing what he and she both wanted, bent his head and kissed her. It was a chaste kiss but when it was over, Adam couldn't let her go. He pulled her next to him and he kissed her the way a man kisses a woman, a woman he desires.

Gracie, tried to pull away. "Adam-we shouldn't be doing this."

Adam nodded, released her, and started to leave but he stopped and turned around. "Gracie, I'm going to marry you some day." And then he left and mounted his horse to go home and Gracie stood outside the barn, holding the lit lantern.

"I hope so, Adam," Gracie said quietly.

Mrs. Briggs died that night and her funeral was that Saturday and Adam stood quietly graveside and watched as Mr. Briggs sobbed and leaned on his daughter for support. As soon as he threw a handful of dirt on the coffin, his knees buckled and he collapsed.

Adam's heart broke for Gracie, who desperately tried to comfort her father. Ben and some other men helped Mr. Briggs to his feet and into the carriage and Adam could see that Gracie was also close to collapsing. He asked if he could drive them home and Ben said that it was a good idea, so Adam did. He helped Mr. Briggs to his room and then went down to Gracie. Adam and Gracie sat silently beside each other on the settee as Adam held Gracie in his arms and she clung to him.

They sat for what seemed hours this way, just taking animal comfort in each other's warmth and the feeling of arms wrapped around one another. And then Gracie sat up, kissed Adam on the cheek and told him that it was all right, he should go home now. He didn't want to leave, he told Gracie. He would fix her something to eat, some tea or coffee or whatever she wanted but Gracie just gently smiled and told him to go home. She would fix something for her father to eat; she wasn't hungry. So Adam picked up his hat and Gracie walked him out to his horse and Adam rode off. But for the rest of the day, he felt as if Gracie was still in his arms and that night, he dreamed that he was burying his father and that as he sobbed at the graveside, Gracie held him and crooned to him that his father wasn't dead but would be waiting for him at home; he needed to go home because at home, everything would be all right. And he asked Gracie to come with him then and she said that she couldn't. And then Adam woke up in a cold sweat.

The next morning, Adam was the first one downstairs wearing his Sunday clothes and sitting at the table. Ben said nothing to Adam about the suit of clothes, just smiled and said good morning as if it was any other day. But Joe and Hoss couldn't let the opportunity pass.

"You comin' to church, Adam?" Hoss asked.

"No. I'm dressed like this to clean out the pig sty." Adam stabbed a piece of ham and put it on his plate.

Joe giggled and Ben, looking down at the ham, eggs and hotcakes on his plate, smiled at the familiar banter.

"Now, there ain't no need for you to be nasty, Adam. Startin' out a Sunday sinnin' is no way to go. You need to keep a civil tongue in your head."

"Well," Adam said, "At the speed you're shoveling down that ham and hotcakes, you better be careful you don't accidentally swallow yours along with the food." Ben and Joe laughed and even Hoss smiled between bites. And Adam felt that things were on an even keel; he was back on good terms with his family, he had Gracie in his life again and he realized that he had a future-Gracie had helped him see that.

TBC


	6. Part 6

Part 6

Adam rode over to Gracie's three evenings a week and Gracie would quiz him on the reading material and when Adam was overly tired, Gracie would read to him while he sipped coffee and ate cookies she had baked or a piece of pie. And as the weather turned colder, the warm kitchen added a pleasant air but Adam just enjoyed being with Gracie.

And sometimes, Gracie and Adam would just talk. He rediscovered Gracie's soul and she told him of her dreams, of being married and having children and most of all, of being happy. Adam shared those dreams with her and told Gracie that when he became a successful architect, he would send for her and they would be happy together. And Gracie said that Adam didn't need to be successful; she would go to him no matter what.

Adam took the exams for entrance to Harvard two weeks before his seventeenth birthday; he received the acceptance letter for Harvard two months later. After a wild whoop, he read the letter to his father who clapped him on the back with congratulations. And then Adam took the letter to Gracie who was both happy and sad. Gracie had so much enjoyed the evenings with Adam that she hated to see him go away to school. But she knew that it made Adam happy so she tried to hide her sadness from him. But before he left her to leave for Massachusetts, he tilted up her chin and kissed her and told her that he would write and that he would think of her every day. So he left to go across the country.

And Adam reveled in the academic milieu, in the class discussions and in the interactions with the professors; here he fit in. And he also liked going into town whenever he could with the other students and associating with the girls who wanted to marry a rich student. And so his letters to Gracie came further and further apart although he thought about Gracie when he woke every morning and whenever he kissed one of the local girls. He always told himself to write Gracie but then the thought would be forgotten and then at night he would tell himself that the next day he would write her.

Since Adam was across the country and the few holidays were never more than a day or two, including Christmas, Adam didn't go home until summer and that was only for a month. And when Adam did come home, Ben put him to work on the ranch and Hoss and Joe teased him about being as white and pale as a fish belly. But when he had the chance, Adam saw Gracie and escorted her to church and the summer dances and when they were alone, he kissed her with a passion Gracie hadn't known he was capable of feeling-and she felt toward as she had never felt before-she desired him, wanted to wrap her arms around his neck and satisfy the urges that filled her. Adam crushed her against him and kissed her neck and her bosom, and he took her mouth almost violently. He confessed his love over and over and caressed her waist and her back, murmuring his desire and need for her. Gracie wanted to respond equally but she was afraid; Adam was now a man who was hungry for a woman and he frightened her a little. Many a night she had wondered if Adam was enjoying more than just the mere social company of women in Boston. He was so very handsome, and had grown much more confident. The other girls in Virginia City were charmed and enchanted by Adam and his smile and his quick wit. But summer soon was over and Adam had to return to school and Gracie cried that night, she missed him so. And she also knew that he had been eager to return to Harvard and leave his family, the Ponderosa and her behind.

But Adam came home the next summer as well. He was now nineteen and one warm summer evening when Adam was home, he and Gracie were sitting in the swing on her porch and Adam held Gracie bent over his arm, his lips hot against the bare flesh of her neck. He aroused such intense feelings in her. She moved in his arms to allow him better access to her. Gracie, full of desire, decided that she wanted Adam, needed him to soothe the heat in her blood and so she pulled him to the barn where in the straw, Adam took her, the disinterested animals watching, and Gracie felt closer to Adam than she ever had. They lay together afterwards, clinging desperately to each other, Adam swearing his love to her as he covered her face with kisses, thanking her for loving him.

And that night, Gracie kneeled by the side of her bed and prayed for forgiveness. "Please, God, forgive me and forgive Adam for our sin. Please, I implore you, put angels of protection around him and keep him safe in Boston. I love him so and I…oh, please, watch over him." Gracie broke into tears; perhaps God would forgive Adam but it had been she who had led him into the barn and she who had encouraged him in their sin. She crawled into bed and curled up and sobbed. In her young mind, she knew that she would be punished by losing Adam in some manner-that was how God worked she had been taught-a sinner was always punished and "The wages of sin is death," but Gracie would rather have Adam not love her anymore and lose him that way then to have him taken from her in some tragedy; at least he would still be in the world, alive, and for Gracie, to have Adam safe and happy was far more important than that he love her.

When Adam returned to college, he wrote Gracie regularly but then he began to slack off until he barely wrote her although he thought of her constantly and the next time he was home, his father told him that Gracie had married and moved to Baltimore. And then Ben remembered that Gracie had left a letter for him; it was in the top drawer of the desk.

So Adam found the envelope addressed to him and took it out on the porch to read the letter. He saw Gracie's familiar handwriting and sadness overwhelmed him. He ran his fingers over the letters her hand had formed and then read.

_"My Dear Adam,_

_I have left Virginia City and moved to Baltimore with my husband, Richard Lawson-yes, I've married. You would have a great deal of respect for him, I'm sure-you might even like him. He is kind, honest, compassionate and he loves me. He came here to write an article on Virginia City and silver mining and that is how I met him. How the marriage ensued is not important. _

_I always thought, hoped, that one day, you would be my husband but I realize that you have a completely different life now and I don't belong in it anymore. I can read between the lines in the rare letters I have received, that you are greatly enjoying Harvard and Boston and the social life. I know that there must be other women you care for and who care for you. After all, Adam, you are the most handsome man I've ever known and you have such a wonderful career ahead of you that I'm certain the women in Boston must think so as well. But I still consider you my best friend and hope for nothing but happiness for you as I hope that you do for me. I have given you everything I possibly could my whole life and now I give you your freedom to fulfill your life as you choose._

_Your friend with love forever, _

_Gracie."_

Adam folded the letter and to the day that he met Gracie again in Virginia City seven years later, the letter remained tucked in his dresser drawer, the envelope becoming more and more worn, the creases of the folded paper, more and more fragile from the many times over those years that he had taken it out and reread it. And now Gracie was back and she had treated him almost as a stranger.

TBC


	7. Part 7

Part 7

Gracie wasn't at church Sunday. Before services, Adam stood outside by the surrey he had driven and waited for her; his family had taken the buckboard to church and were already inside. He had packed a picnic lunch for the two of them, him and Gracie, as a surprise. He hoped that Gracie would accept his invitation after church if he had everything with him-a jar of lemonade, fried chicken, apple pie wrapped in oiled paper, utensils and plates and a blanket to spread on the grass. After services, he wanted to take Gracie to the lake where they could be alone and could talk-and he could kiss her. And the memory of what has transpired between the two of them the last time they were together was foremost in Adam's mind; he was determined to treat Gracie respectfully and to keep his desires in check. He had often felt shame when he thought of how he hadn't written Gracie regularly when he was away and Adam realized that he had taken her for granted, so certain and secure in her love was he.

But Gracie didn't arrive, not her or her father. Adam began to pace anxiously, looking down the street for her carriage. He knew she wasn't inside the church, he had checked that as soon as he had arrived and now the service was to begin soon and there was no Gracie. He turned at the sound of wheels but it was Carl Reagan and his father.

Carl helped his father down and let his father lean on his arm. Will's eyesight was becoming bad and Dr. Martin had said that Will could be completely blind within the next ten years. Nevertheless, although Will was no longer the active foreman on the Ponderosa, he still was an "Honorary" foreman and helped out when he could and advised Ben on certain issues dealing with cattle such as which pasture to move them to next and on breeding to get the desired characteristics.

Adam tipped his hat at Will respectfully. "Morning, Mr. Reagan," Adam said.

"Morning, Adam. Don't tell me we're late and the sermon's so bad that you're out here."

Adam smiled. "No, I'm just waiting for someone."

"Pa, you mind if I stand out here and jaw with Adam for a while? You okay to get up the stairs by yourself?" Carl asked. His father told him he was and left the two alone.

"Let me guess, Adam. You're waitin' for Gracie, right? I heard she's back in town."

"Yeah, I'm waiting for Gracie. Why?"

"Oh, I just wondered. I also wonder if she's still as pretty as she was. Is she?"

"Yeah. She's as pretty if not prettier."

"I hear she's a widow and you know what they say about widows."

"No, what do they say about widows?"

"That since they've been married, they need a man in their bed to give them a poke-they get to like it and need it."

"Carl, just shut your goddam mouth."

Carl laughed at Adam's discomfort. "You know, while you were gone to college, I courted Gracie-found out why you liked her so much. She ever tell you that?"

At first Adam was unsure but then he thought about Gracie and Adam was sure that she wouldn't have anything to do with Carl despite his good looks. "Sure you did."

Carl laughed heartily. "Can't fool you now, can I," Carl said. "Well, I tried, Adam. That Gracie-I sure wanted to see what was under her skirts but she wouldn't have anything to do with me."

"Gracie's always been discerning." Adam looked back down the street to see if he saw Gracie and her father.

"You know, Adam, I been thinking about going to Mexico. How'd you like to join me? We could live high there and they have women twice as pretty and forty times as wild as Gracie. Think of the good times we could have there."

"I've been away from home too much as it is," Adam said. "I think I'll just stay put awhile."

"Yeah, but just the other day you were saying how you'd like a little adventure."

"Well, that's before I found that Gracie was back in town."

"I guess she could be an adventure. Kinda like breakin' a new horse-her buckin' and you tryin' to stay on top?"

"Carl…" Adam shook his head. Then he untied the horse from the hitching post and climbed in the surrey.

"Hey, Adam, can I come too. Maybe we could have a threesome." Carl stood and grinned. Adam was so easy to rile lately-too easy and Gracie had always been a tender spot with Adam, something Carl could never understand-she was just a girl like any other girl as far as Carl was concerned.

"Go inside to church," Adam said. "If anyone needs their soul saved, it's you." And Adam clucked to the horse and headed for Gracie's house.

"Why, Adam, come in." Gracie moved aside and Adam stepped into the familiar parlor. He thought he would feel more comfortable but there was now something between him and Gracie and it frustrated Adam because he didn't know what to do. He felt that it was his fault; he should have been more considerate of Gracie all those years he was gone after she gave herself to him. Adam considered that Gracie may resent that he knew her so intimately and she was embarrassed.

"You weren't in church and I was concerned." Adam held his hat in his hand, nervously turning the brim.

"My father didn't feel up to it. He's the main reason I came back to Virginia City-his health is bad and he needs me here."

"I'm sorry." Adam looked down and then with a little half smile, he said, "I flattered myself and thought you came back to see me."

Gracie smiled. "I am glad to see you, very glad. I missed you, Adam, our talks and our friendship. The sermon's probably started but I'd like you to stay awhile, if you can."

"I can and I will, but, Gracie, I packed a picnic lunch. I was hoping we could go down to the lake and talk. I have so much to tell you and I know you have a lot to tell me. I've missed you, Gracie. I've missed you so…our closeness."

Gracie looked off, her gaze unfocused. "Closeness. Yes, Adam, we were and we have a friendship, the most valuable one in my life and the most precious. But I suppose…" Gracie looked at Adam. "I'm sorry, Adam, I can't leave my father this morning as much as I would love to go on a picnic with you."

"Well," Adam said, "I'll bring the picnic in here. How about that?"

"What?" Gracie looked puzzled.

"Just wait," Adam said, and he tossed his hat on the chair and went outside and soon returned holding the picnic basket and with the blanket tucked under his arm. Gracie laughed as Adam spread the blanket out on the rug after moving a few pieces of furniture and then began to empty the basket of its food. "Lunch is served. A little early, for sure, but won't you join me?" Adam swept his arm in invitation and Gracie nodded and then sat on the blanket and Adam joined her and they had their picnic on the floor of Gracie's parlor.

Adam eventually managed to have Gracie talk about her husband and she finally talked about her child who had died, Patricia had been her name. Adam watched Gracie's face and he could read every emotion as they gripped her. He saw the intense sadness she felt at the death of her small family and Adam thought of how brave she was; he didn't think that he could have handled such a devastation as well as she. He tried to give her sympathy but she would have none of it.

Then she asked Adam to tell her about college and all that had transpired with him and he found that his experiences had been petty compared to hers; barely worth mentioning. She asked him why he hadn't married yet and Adam laughed and said that she of all people should know what a miserable husband he would make, his being self-centered and thoughtless. And then their smiles faded.

"Come to me, Gracie," Adam said. And Gracie fell into his arms, and Adam, his back against the settee, held Gracie next to him and they just sat quietly and Adam felt that whatever wall had been between them had crumbled into dust but yet, there was still something... Adam kissed the top of her head, her hair smooth and soft against his lips and uttered a silent prayer of thanks that Gracie was back; she brought him peace.

TBC


	8. Part 8

Part 8

Adam decided to formally court Gracie. He showed up the next night with flowers and they sat on Gracie's porch and they talked and laughed and after that, Adam took to whistling while he was out on the Ponderosa property and Ben smiled when he heard Adam's strong baritone as he sang while he bathed.

As often as he could, Adam went to see Gracie. He escorted her to church, to any dance and bought her little gifts just to make her smile. But when they sat on the swing on her porch and she leaned her head against his shoulder while he held her, that was the time he liked best. And she would let Adam kiss her, let him murmur his love for her but Adam never went further, never pressed her for more intimacy and she seemed to hold herself back. But she smiled with joy whenever she saw him and Adam felt his heart fill with even more love for her.

"Adam sure is happy now that Gracie's home," Hoss said one night after Adam took off for Gracie's house.

"Tell you the truth, I'm probably happier than Adam," Ben said as he sat comfortably in his chair, relaxing with his pipe. "Adam was becoming so restless before she came back home and I'm glad that he didn't take off for Mexico with Carl."

"Wonder what Carl's going to do in Mexico," Joe said.

"Probably get into more trouble than he could here," Hoss answered.

"You're probably right," Ben said. "Poor Will. He's just broken-hearted now that Carl's gone."

"Yeah," Hoss said. "specially with Will needin' his son."

"Well," Ben said, "parents can't expect children to sacrifice themselves for them."

Hoss and Joe looked at one another. "I wouldn't consider it a sacrifice, Pa," Joe said. The thought of something happening to his beloved father was more than he could bear to imagine.

"Good," Hoss said. "Then you can live here with dear old daddy and take care of him in his old age and me and Adam'll go off to San Francisco with no worries." And the three Cartwrights laughed. But Ben wondered how Adam felt having another person leave his life; even though Adam's friendship with Carl had cooled over the last few years, they had been friends but, Ben reasoned, Gracie was back-she would fill the gap.

When Adam rode up to Gracie's, he noticed Dr. Martin's carriage outside of the Brigg's place and his heart picked up. He knocked on the door loudly and it took a while but Gracie finally opened the door, her face pale and drawn.

"Gracie, what is it?" He put down his guitar that he had slung over his shoulder. He had planned to serenade Gracie and then, when the moment was right, ask her to marry him. But he knew now that the time wasn't right and may not be for a while.

"Come in, Adam," Gracie took Adam's hand and led him into the parlor. "It's my father, his heart. Dr. Martin's with him now."

"I'm sorry, Gracie. Is there anything I can do?"

"No, but thank you. I'm sorry that I can't spend the evening with you. I bought a new dress and everything." She broke into tears and Adam held her next to him. He tried to comfort her but she broke away. "I'm sorry, Adam. I need to pull myself together and quit acting like a silly girl."

"Gracie, you're not being silly. I…" but Adam had no time to finish. Dr. Martin was at the top of the stairs and called for Gracie to come and to hurry. Gracie looked at Adam and then quickly climbed the stairs and Adam didn't know whether to follow her or not. He decided to.

Adam looked at Dr. Martin who stood to the side of the bed and when they exchanged glances, Adam knew that if Gracie's father wasn't already dead, he soon would be. Gracie kneeled by her father's bedside and held one of his hands in both of hers and prayed. It was in Latin and although Adam had taken Latin in college, except for common phrases, he fell short of understanding what she was saying, but he noticed that a certain peace descended upon the room as Gracie's soft voice recited a litany of prayers and then there came the death rattle from deep within Baylor Briggs' chest. Dr. Martin placed his stethoscope on Mr. Briggs' chest and as Gracie stood up and watched, he pulled the sheet over Mr. Briggs' face. Then he pulled out his watch and checked the time.

"I'm sorry, Gracie," he said. "I'll help you in any way I can. I'll have the death certificate ready tomorrow. Can I give you something for tonight to help you sleep?"

"No, thank you, Dr. Martin, I'll be fine. My father's at peace now and with God and so I'm at peace as well."

Adam looked at Gracie. He was puzzled. She had a serenity about her that he hadn't expected. He thought she would collapse and he was there to hold her up, to be with her but she didn't collapse; she had a strength about her that he hadn't expected. But he stayed with her through the long night, sitting with her in the semidarkness, just being nearby. But she didn't seem to really notice him as she kneeled and prayed over the hours with a rosary. All Adam could see though was how beautiful she looked with her small hands palm to palm in front of her heart, like the Madonna herself.

Over the next few days, Adam helped Gracie get all her father's matters taken care of and he helped around the ranch along with Hoss. And Gracie would fix them lunch and she even began to smile and laugh again. And then Adam felt that it was the right time to ask Gracie to marry him.

Adam was nervous as he readied himself to go see Gracie. He knew that the Briggs' ranch was being sold, the notice being put in the next day's paper. So Adam went over and over in his head just how he would ask her to marry him, what he would say. But then he abandoned any thought of a prearranged speech; he would speak his heart.

When he arrived at her front door, Gracie was glad to see him. She rose to her tiptoes and kissed his cheek, took his hand and pulled him in; she had fixed dinner and the savory odor of pot roast floated from the kitchen.

"I hope you're hungry," Gracie said. "I've thrown all the vegetables I could find into the roasting pan along with the meat. C'mon and wash up and then come sit down."

Adam washed up beside her in the kitchen as she ladled the vegetables onto the platter around the roast. This is how it would be, he thought to himself, when they were married; they would work side by side at everything.

After saying grace, Adam found that he was nervous and that he wanted to speak, had to say what he had really come over to say but before he could, Gracie spoke.

"I'm glad that you're here tonight," Gracie said, her eyes shining. "Tomorrow, I'm leaving for Baltimore. I wanted to tell you my plans earlier but I wasn't sure…well, now I am sure."

"I am too, Gracie." Adam gathered himself, "Gracie, I want to marry you-you don't need to return to Baltimore. I wanted to ask you earlier but the time never seemed right." He reached over and held her hand. Adam noticed that she had the oddest look on her face. "If you like, I'll get on my knees and propose, I'll swim the raging Truckee River, climb the Sierra Nevadas, anything to prove my love for you." Adam smiled and then he turned serious again. "I love you, Gracie. I always have. Remember when years ago I said that I was going to marry you? I've never forgotten. There's no one else in my heart but you and there never will be anyone else-there's no room because you are my heart. Oh, Gracie, you're so important to me-please say you'll marry me."

"Oh, Adam, I love you too. I adore you. To me, you're more precious than anyone else and I'll always cherish our love and friendship, but.." Gracie gently pulled her hand away and clasped her hands in her lap. "I've decided to go back to Baltimore to join the church. There's a convent outside the city and I've decided to enter-I received the letter telling me I was accepted as a novitiate just yesterday. I've thought about it for a long time and, well, that's why I stayed in Baltimore after my husband's death. I was learning all I could about Catholicism. My husband was Catholic and when we would go to services-oh, Adam, it would lift me so. My love of God comforted me through the death of my husband and my child and the death of my father. I love you, Adam, and if I didn't love God and Christ more, I would be content and happy to be your wife but I am going to be the bride of Christ."

Adam lost his breath as if someone had punched him. Gracie was lost to him and not to anything like sickness or another man but to God. He had lost to God and the irony of it struck him. He loved Gracie because she was good and kind and she loved him and he loved her. But it was because she was good and kind that he had lost her.

He stood up, pushing his chair back. Desperation overcame him. "No, Gracie, you can't do that. I love you. I love you and want to marry you. Gracie, we would be happy. I know we would."

She rose from the table and stood before him. Adam looked at her as she stood in the lamplight and he felt the peace, the serenity that flowed from her. He knew now that she was lost to him. No more would he kiss her mouth or caress her and he felt such a sudden emptiness that his eyes felt hot with unshed tears of frustration and anger. Yes, that was what he felt, he told himself, anger. Raging anger at the unfairness of life. Here his possible happiness had been snatched away. God had such an odd sense of humor, Adam thought, to choose this way to punish him for all his trespasses.

"Please understand, Adam. I suppose it's part my fault-I should have discouraged you from coming over but I enjoyed your company so much. I was selfish and for that I'm sorry and will pray for forgiveness. Adam, I didn't reach this decision until last night although I have been struggling with it ever since I returned and saw you. But I feel that it's the right decision. I hope you understand."

"No, Gracie, I don't understand. I don't understand at all." And Adam picked up his hat as he walked out the door, slamming it behind him, his chest tight with fury.

Two days later, Adam rode into to town. He was there to see Gracie off. She wasn't expecting him and when she saw him, she smiled.

"I'm glad that you came to say goodbye, Adam."

"Now, Gracie, I couldn't let you leave with things like that between us. I care too much about you and although I don't understand your decision, I suppose that I just have to accept it." Adam reached into his pocket and pulled out a green ribbon. "I know you won't be able to keep it and that your hair will be shorn…but, well, would you wear it until you get there?"

Gracie took the ribbon from him. "Yes, Adam." she tied the green ribbon around the chignon at the nape of her neck. "Does it look all right?" She turned so that he could see but all he noticed was the elegant way she held her head and how he yearned to pull her to him and beg her to stay.

"It looks more beautiful now that it's on you."

The station master called out. "Mrs. Lawson, time to board. Stage needs to leave."

Adam held both of Gracie's gloved hands in his two. "Can I kiss you, Gracie?"

"If you didn't, I'd regret it forever."

Adam kissed Gracie, a lingering kiss filled with unfulfilled desire, and then he helped her up into the coach. "I'll always love you, Gracie," he said softly to her and she gave him a gentle smile and stroked his cheek. "Always," he said. And then he closed the stage door and stepped back and watched the stage drive off carrying Gracie so far away from him that he would never find her again.

~Finis~


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